"No," Sephiroth says softly, gaze slightly distant. "Even when I was in SOLDIER...there weren't many people with more distaste for ShinRa than myself. It was simply all I knew. All I was made for. I had no other purpose or structure in my life, no one I knew outside of the company. I wanted any other life, but in the way that a fish might desire to walk. Not only did it seem impossible on every conceivable level, but I couldn't even begin to fathom what a life outside ShinRa could be like, or what I would do with one if I had it."
The fact that fish did eventually learn how to walk, all the same...perhaps that's a rather apt extension of Sephiroth's metaphor.
After a moment he shakes off whatever inner thoughts he's having(for the moment), eyes focusing on Wedge again. "I will also say that during my last mission for them, I discovered just how deep their lies and depravities ran, in particular when it came to me. So you can trust that if it came to burning the company down, you and I would only disagree over who would strike the match."
He looks at Wedge for a moment, and ends up saying what he's thinking. "I envy those of you in AVALANCHE. In all the time I was alive, I almost never fought for something I believed in, or could take pride in." He averts his gaze. "Other than the few friends I made...it was an empty waste of a life. And I fear that even more than ShinRa, it was the fault of my own cowardice."
He shakes his head. "...but why am I saying this? Whatever you followed me for, it wasn't to listen to my regrets. They hardly have meaning here, in any case. What did you wish to speak to me about?"
The more Sephiroth speaks the more the odd sort of fascination fades, Wedge's empathetic nature drawing his brows in with concern, taking a half step closer as though he might put a reassuring hand on the other man. He's not quite so bold as to do so but the thought is there, one that has him chewing the inside of his lip lightly. There's... so much there, not just in the words but in the distance in those vibrant green eyes and the melancholy that seems to weigh on the man so that it casts his gaze down and away so often.
"I know... we only knew the half of it. There were some things I saw, not long before I came here..." The memories are vague and hazy, he'd been drifting in and out of consciousness a lot after the plate fell. The main thing he was aware of was Reginaldo curled against his shoulder, licking at bloody, matted hair and purring as loud as he could. He'd been certain he would die down there. But that there was a "down there" spoke volumes to the things Shinra hid from the public.
Wedge shrugs slightly, dismissing the way the fear and uncertainty from that strange place (lab?) lingers even knowing it doesn't really matter. Not now.
"I don't know that any life is wasted, not completely. Whatever else they made sure you represented, y'know in all the propaganda and stuff, for a lot of kids you helped them figure out how to find their own bravery. Not just the ones that went into SOLDIER or working for ShinRa." Wedge lets his gaze drift away from Sephiroth just a little, not looking directly at him. He suspects that the silver might not want to acknowledge that, no more than he would, really. How many times has he had similar conversations with Cloud already?
Wild to think he shares something with Sephiroth.
"And I'm sure you made a difference to your friends. Which... is what I wanted to talk to you about, sorta. Because you are making a difference for Cloud. And I just-" Ah well now there's a faint dusting of pink over his cheeks and his gaze flicks from distant to looking down, a weak, self-conscious chuckle in his voice. "I guess I just wanted to say thank you. For looking after him. Making sure he wasn't alone. He tries really hard to do that and- I'm just glad someone was around to make sure he didn't."
Sephiroth looks at Wedge a touch bemusedly. Children finding their bravery because of him...he supposes he can understand that within the context of those who'd rushed to join SOLDIER, though that's hardly a good outcome by any metric. But Wedge seems to understand that, and suggests he'd helped kids with that who hadn't joined SOLDIER, and...Sephiroth isn't quite certain how that would work. How that would look. The propaganda had existed explicitly to make ShinRa and SOLDIER look good; what kind of inspiration did Sephiroth serve as in such propaganda, if not that? What kind of motivating force could he have been?
(And, considering it was ShinRa's propaganda, much of it lies, can he take any credit for it anyway?)
Being thanked for helping Cloud, however...it's a welcome distraction from his uncomfortable feelings about the other subject(utter confusion being one of those feelings). Certainly it means a great deal - the idea of actually making some kind of amends to Cloud always does. "I'm also glad I could be here for him," he says, a touch slowly, feeling out the words he says as he does. "I know from experience - both with him, and from being such a person myself - that isolation would only hurt him. And without any of his friends here, he was miserable. I'm relieved you're here to help ground him - people like us are lost without someone to care for. To care about. No matter how standoffish he tries to be, the depths to which Cloud cares about his friends are immeasurable. He - we - build ourselves around other people. Perhaps because nothing could matter more to us than the people around us, including our own selves."
And it finally hits Sephiroth, as he says it, why he and Cloud are so similar. It's stunning that he'd never really pieced it together before, but - loneliness. He and Cloud had been others, outsiders, for long enough that once they had actually had people to care about...that had mattered more than anything else. Will always matter more than anything else. Simply...not being alone again. Having people who care about them.
So simple, and yet it only now spells itself out plainly in his mind. Perhaps he's not nearly as intelligent as people believe him to be.
He shakes his head slightly. "But...while I understand Cloud, and have been trying to help him, you don't need to thank me for that. He has...suffered unimaginably through me." He doesn't know quite how to explain Jenova to Wedge, isn't really sure this man signed up for that talk at all, and so sidesteps the conversation for now. "Trying to right some of those wrongs may be well-meaning, but I don't feel it deserves thanks. I'm essentially trying to bandage stab wounds inflicted by my own hands. I can't accept gratitude for that."
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childrenofbahamutlogs2025-02-11 02:31 pm
no subject
The fact that fish did eventually learn how to walk, all the same...perhaps that's a rather apt extension of Sephiroth's metaphor.
After a moment he shakes off whatever inner thoughts he's having(for the moment), eyes focusing on Wedge again. "I will also say that during my last mission for them, I discovered just how deep their lies and depravities ran, in particular when it came to me. So you can trust that if it came to burning the company down, you and I would only disagree over who would strike the match."
He looks at Wedge for a moment, and ends up saying what he's thinking. "I envy those of you in AVALANCHE. In all the time I was alive, I almost never fought for something I believed in, or could take pride in." He averts his gaze. "Other than the few friends I made...it was an empty waste of a life. And I fear that even more than ShinRa, it was the fault of my own cowardice."
He shakes his head. "...but why am I saying this? Whatever you followed me for, it wasn't to listen to my regrets. They hardly have meaning here, in any case. What did you wish to speak to me about?"
no subject
"I know... we only knew the half of it. There were some things I saw, not long before I came here..." The memories are vague and hazy, he'd been drifting in and out of consciousness a lot after the plate fell. The main thing he was aware of was Reginaldo curled against his shoulder, licking at bloody, matted hair and purring as loud as he could. He'd been certain he would die down there. But that there was a "down there" spoke volumes to the things Shinra hid from the public.
Wedge shrugs slightly, dismissing the way the fear and uncertainty from that strange place (lab?) lingers even knowing it doesn't really matter. Not now.
"I don't know that any life is wasted, not completely. Whatever else they made sure you represented, y'know in all the propaganda and stuff, for a lot of kids you helped them figure out how to find their own bravery. Not just the ones that went into SOLDIER or working for ShinRa." Wedge lets his gaze drift away from Sephiroth just a little, not looking directly at him. He suspects that the silver might not want to acknowledge that, no more than he would, really. How many times has he had similar conversations with Cloud already?
Wild to think he shares something with Sephiroth.
"And I'm sure you made a difference to your friends. Which... is what I wanted to talk to you about, sorta. Because you are making a difference for Cloud. And I just-" Ah well now there's a faint dusting of pink over his cheeks and his gaze flicks from distant to looking down, a weak, self-conscious chuckle in his voice. "I guess I just wanted to say thank you. For looking after him. Making sure he wasn't alone. He tries really hard to do that and- I'm just glad someone was around to make sure he didn't."
no subject
(And, considering it was ShinRa's propaganda, much of it lies, can he take any credit for it anyway?)
Being thanked for helping Cloud, however...it's a welcome distraction from his uncomfortable feelings about the other subject(utter confusion being one of those feelings). Certainly it means a great deal - the idea of actually making some kind of amends to Cloud always does. "I'm also glad I could be here for him," he says, a touch slowly, feeling out the words he says as he does. "I know from experience - both with him, and from being such a person myself - that isolation would only hurt him. And without any of his friends here, he was miserable. I'm relieved you're here to help ground him - people like us are lost without someone to care for. To care about. No matter how standoffish he tries to be, the depths to which Cloud cares about his friends are immeasurable. He - we - build ourselves around other people. Perhaps because nothing could matter more to us than the people around us, including our own selves."
And it finally hits Sephiroth, as he says it, why he and Cloud are so similar. It's stunning that he'd never really pieced it together before, but - loneliness. He and Cloud had been others, outsiders, for long enough that once they had actually had people to care about...that had mattered more than anything else. Will always matter more than anything else. Simply...not being alone again. Having people who care about them.
So simple, and yet it only now spells itself out plainly in his mind. Perhaps he's not nearly as intelligent as people believe him to be.
He shakes his head slightly. "But...while I understand Cloud, and have been trying to help him, you don't need to thank me for that. He has...suffered unimaginably through me." He doesn't know quite how to explain Jenova to Wedge, isn't really sure this man signed up for that talk at all, and so sidesteps the conversation for now. "Trying to right some of those wrongs may be well-meaning, but I don't feel it deserves thanks. I'm essentially trying to bandage stab wounds inflicted by my own hands. I can't accept gratitude for that."