"Because my decision didn't matter in the end. I told Bahamut to go shove his blades where they'd hurt most only to be railroaded back to the path that suited him best." So, he was going down that track with chainsaws attached.
It wasn't for lack of trying. But maybe he was tired of trying just... in general, really, only to get seemingly nowhere he wanted. Maybe it was easier to believe there was a plan for him all along, that all this suffering meant anything at all.
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"Because my decision didn't matter in the end. I told Bahamut to go shove his blades where they'd hurt most only to be railroaded back to the path that suited him best." So, he was going down that track with chainsaws attached.
It wasn't for lack of trying. But maybe he was tired of trying just... in general, really, only to get seemingly nowhere he wanted. Maybe it was easier to believe there was a plan for him all along, that all this suffering meant anything at all.