"Between never being encouraged to be a person at all, and finding out that some unknowable amount of me and my very existence is owed to Jenova, having its alien presence in my head...not only do I barely know who I am, sometimes I wonder if there is enough of me to be someone at all." Sephiroth closes his eyes. "Whether everything that makes up what I consider myself is just...another aspect of Jenova, with delusions of individuality seeded in it by my mistakenly believing I was ever human. A monster aping being a person, and doing it badly."
He breathes out, slowly. "In truth...being a monster would be so much easier. Simpler. It's all ShinRa wanted me to be, taught me to be. It's certainly all Jenova wants me to be." Then, softer - "But it was never what I wanted."
And that one tiny scrap of individuality is what he's been clinging to, desperately, his entire life. It would be easier to let go, yes...but the terror that he, himself, would simply cease to exist entirely if he did is far greater than the effort that holding on demands. When the margin by which one exists as a distinct entity is so slim, defending it becomes...everything.
It really is the only thing that makes him him. That has ever made him anything but a weapon, or a virus.
The talk of degradation tightens Sephiroth's throat. "While I can't go into detail," he says after a moment, "I can at least say that your situation is unique. You won't have to worry about degradation the way other SOLDIERs do. I can explain why eventually, but for now, you can at least have that reassurance. The difficulties you're experiencing are mental, not physical, and can be addressed and treated as such - with care. I have seen you fully recover from them in my own time, so I know it's possible...though as I said, you were helped through it by Tifa, someone you trust implicitly, so I'm working at a much greater disadvantage when attempting to help you in her stead."
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He breathes out, slowly. "In truth...being a monster would be so much easier. Simpler. It's all ShinRa wanted me to be, taught me to be. It's certainly all Jenova wants me to be." Then, softer - "But it was never what I wanted."
And that one tiny scrap of individuality is what he's been clinging to, desperately, his entire life. It would be easier to let go, yes...but the terror that he, himself, would simply cease to exist entirely if he did is far greater than the effort that holding on demands. When the margin by which one exists as a distinct entity is so slim, defending it becomes...everything.
It really is the only thing that makes him him. That has ever made him anything but a weapon, or a virus.
The talk of degradation tightens Sephiroth's throat. "While I can't go into detail," he says after a moment, "I can at least say that your situation is unique. You won't have to worry about degradation the way other SOLDIERs do. I can explain why eventually, but for now, you can at least have that reassurance. The difficulties you're experiencing are mental, not physical, and can be addressed and treated as such - with care. I have seen you fully recover from them in my own time, so I know it's possible...though as I said, you were helped through it by Tifa, someone you trust implicitly, so I'm working at a much greater disadvantage when attempting to help you in her stead."